✖ Autumn that arrived in all the shades of grey

Shit guys, it's been a while.

And I don't know how to put myself into words.

Words have been disappearing from me for a while now. And I'm not really talking about the writer's block. I have tons of different things I want to say or to write but I don't know if I'm completely ready to do so yet. Things are, and things have been changing. Into a bit different way than I thought they ever would.

You know, you'd imagine two people would stay together for the rest of their lives? I certainly did and now I'm not too sure about it anymore. There are so many emotions wandering through my head right now. There are so many thoughts going on and on about so many things that I cannot simply keep up. I've been skipping uni, forcing myself to work and thinking about painting my walls green. I'm definitely going to paint my walls green. And in all this mess, trying to be the best mum to my tiny sweet boy the best that I can.

Autumn has been darker for me, than ever. It's been so dark that I'm not even excited about all the darkness anymore. I simply want to go back in time where sun was shining and everything was remotely fine. When everything was possible to fix. Not that things wouldn't be possible to fix anymore.

Autumn, that arrived in all the shades of grey. In all the shades of black. Turning slowly into Winter, possibly darker, outside and in my mind.

So earlier, when I wrote about healing, we all know by far that we can scratch that off the table now. I'm not healing anymore, I'm heartbroken and destroyed in the millions of tiny pieces I'm now trying to gather around from the ground to put myself together.

For the past month, I've been crying, I've been thinking about ending it all here. I've been thinking about vanishing. That tiny sweet thing sleeping in my bed has been the only thing in my life that has been keeping me sane. And I'm forever grateful for him to be in my life.

But I know that I'm stronger than that, it's only up to me whether I believe in myself or not.

We aren't broken up, we aren't together.
We aren't divorcing, we just don't live under the same address anymore.
We are on a break.

Can we put our marriage on a break for a year?
And what if it stays that way?
I truly, from the bottom of my heart hope that it won't.

1 comment

  1. I have just come across your blog and wow. This post really touched me and I really hope that you're ok. If you ever need to chat about anything, my door is always open. xxxxxx


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