✖ three simple words to ask: how are you?

Tuesday, 22 October 2019

I've been skipping uni.
I've been forcing myself to work.
I got high the other day.
Been drinking too much wine.
I haven't been brushing my hair.
I don't know how it smells outside.
I can't remember what my classmates look like.
I don't have a topic for a project for this Autumn for uni.
I don't remember the last time I ate.
I've been losing weight like crazy.
Nicotine and caffeine are keeping one going for a surprisingly long period of times.
I can't remember what running water from a shower feels like.
I don't know where my toothbrush is.
My windows are so filthy I can't see through them.
I haven't been taking new pictures in weeks.
I haven't really been able to sleep.

I've been knitting shit, undone them and started all over again.
I've been getting panic attacks over the nightmares I've had if I have magically fallen asleep.
I've been getting panic attacks every single day during the past three weeks.
I'm anxious as fuck.
Sometimes I think about killing myself.
Then I remember that I have a kid.
I've got flu.
What depression?
What are the clean clothes?
My neighbour is having a loud party at 12:30AM and I don't even give two shits about it.
My face eczema is the worst it's ever been.
I almost lost it at work because there was an ignorant idiot as a customer.
I drink tea now.

But if you ask me how I'm doing, I'll always tell you that everything's alright.

✖ Laila Pullinen - a Sculptor in Vantaa

Monday, 21 October 2019

Artsi, an art gallery located to pretty close to where I live got a new exhibition in and while I had some time to spare I went to check it out. Believe me, I don't know a single thing about sculptures. Or how they're created, but boy they were impressive.

My experiences with sculpturing go way back to the times when I participated in an Arts Club during the Middle School to High School. We moulded something from clay and during the summer we had an intensive week in the forest where we would greate sculptures in the forest out of peat blocks. Such fun times, and great memories to cherish.

In general, the exhibition was such an eye-opening thing to go through. There were placements where the finished work would meet the sketches Pullinen had drawn and you were able to compare them together. It was pretty fun, even though I wasn't allowed to bring my coffee cup to the gallery haha.

Though I got to leave it to the front desk to wait for me, and there it still was.
Unpoisoned, as I'm still not dead. 

✖ breakfast in Turku

Sunday, 20 October 2019

It appears so that in order to get my camera outside of the house nowadays requires my friend Maija, and going to Turku if anything. I'm not a breakfast type of a gal myself unless you count a pan of coffee as a first thing in the morning as breakfast, then I think I could be. So when Maija started eating her brekkie, I took a camera and let my inspiration flow for a little while. Goodness, how great that felt. More of those type of days, please.

You're in Helsinki area in Finland and fancy booking a shoot with me? Hit me up by email at or DM me on my insta and we'll get a cuppa & those instaworthy pictures sorted. 

✖ why we collectively hate Greta Thunberg

Friday, 4 October 2019

Before I begin, this is not a blog post to tear Greta Thunberg down. So if you came for that, I'm going to sincerely tell you to get your ass to somewhere else. Also, to note that most of this post is written pretty sarcastically, so just so you know.

Holy shit, that young woman is an extraordinary person, incredibly smart and someone I hope our children will look up to one day. Fuck, the girl is 16 and has done so much for the whole freaking planet, or for the very least got us all talking about the planet and the state of it.

I'm 24 and I look up to her. She's an massive inspiration to all of us.
But why are we collectively hating her? She's done nothing but said out loud the truth. Or wait for a second, is that why?

But I gathered a list. Get ready people, I have a list.

✖ she's young
The thing most adults must hate is when a young person opens their mouth and tells them how they should live their lives. That's exactly what Greta is doing, and oh boy how much the adults hate it. Is there a child who knows better? There can't be! What is this?

 she's loud
Adults hate when kids are being loud. And that being said, Greta has been incredibly loud about what she wants to say. She wants to let the adults know that the world can't keep rolling like this, and if it does, we're on our way to mass extinction.

✖ she has a point
The thing is, that adults hate even more is a kid, who happens to be loud and who actually has a point in what she's saying. It's not that adults don't know about those things, it's because they don't care and now there's a child basically forcing them to care about it.
All they care about is economic growth. Does reducing things for the sake of the planet bring them money? No, it won't. But oh to imagine to have all that money when the world is not good for us to live in anymore. Whatcha gonna do with all of that money then, huh?

Wouldn't it be time to us adults to accept that in the year of 2019, kids, young women, women in general, anyone, can make a noise about anything they want without the rest of us picking upon them? What are you, children? Ha, a child can behave better than you all. And time for us to accept that the girl has a point. Something has to be done.

✖ Autumn that arrived in all the shades of grey

Thursday, 3 October 2019

Shit guys, it's been a while.

And I don't know how to put myself into words.

Words have been disappearing from me for a while now. And I'm not really talking about the writer's block. I have tons of different things I want to say or to write but I don't know if I'm completely ready to do so yet. Things are, and things have been changing. Into a bit different way than I thought they ever would.

You know, you'd imagine two people would stay together for the rest of their lives? I certainly did and now I'm not too sure about it anymore. There are so many emotions wandering through my head right now. There are so many thoughts going on and on about so many things that I cannot simply keep up. I've been skipping uni, forcing myself to work and thinking about painting my walls green. I'm definitely going to paint my walls green. And in all this mess, trying to be the best mum to my tiny sweet boy the best that I can.

Autumn has been darker for me, than ever. It's been so dark that I'm not even excited about all the darkness anymore. I simply want to go back in time where sun was shining and everything was remotely fine. When everything was possible to fix. Not that things wouldn't be possible to fix anymore.

Autumn, that arrived in all the shades of grey. In all the shades of black. Turning slowly into Winter, possibly darker, outside and in my mind.

So earlier, when I wrote about healing, we all know by far that we can scratch that off the table now. I'm not healing anymore, I'm heartbroken and destroyed in the millions of tiny pieces I'm now trying to gather around from the ground to put myself together.

For the past month, I've been crying, I've been thinking about ending it all here. I've been thinking about vanishing. That tiny sweet thing sleeping in my bed has been the only thing in my life that has been keeping me sane. And I'm forever grateful for him to be in my life.

But I know that I'm stronger than that, it's only up to me whether I believe in myself or not.

We aren't broken up, we aren't together.
We aren't divorcing, we just don't live under the same address anymore.
We are on a break.

Can we put our marriage on a break for a year?
And what if it stays that way?
I truly, from the bottom of my heart hope that it won't.
© overdosed on caffeine. • Theme by Maira G.