✖ realising that you don’t have to stay on top of everything

✖ realising that you don’t have to stay on top of everything

• Friday, 22 February 2019

I tend to be a person who wants to have all those strings in her hands. I tend to be a person who wants to stay on top of everything, even though it would be physically and emotionally impossible. I've had a hard time accepting that there are things that are out of my control and that there are things I cannot have an effect on.

I've had to make tons of compromises during this past half a year, especially since starting in university on the side from taking care of a little human and being at work part-time at the same time. I've had to share the responsibilities and learn to trust that someone else can handle the things I used to handle just as well as I did.

But it's hard, isn't it? To try and change your old behaviour in the blink of an eye? Sometimes I even wonder if it's even possible, as I still want to stay on top of most of the things.

You see, trusting other people is not one of my strongest traits. Most of my childhood I lived in a belief that I don't have an adult in my life I could trust for. So obviously, those trust issues have followed me into my adult life, no matter how much I didn't want them to. And when you're used to doing it all by yourself, it's very difficult to share the responsibility, even with a person you've been living with the past almost 10 years.

And while I'm overwhelmed by the fact that I've been realising I don't have to stay on top of everything, I also get anxious very easily if things aren't going as I planned and I trusted someone else to handle the things for me. It can be as simple as taking the trash out or emptying the laundry machine.

But I'm on my way. On my way to a life where I don't have to stress over everything anymore, and it's such a relieving feeling.