✖ hey, what's up?

Saturday, 11 January 2020

Yes, she will sing to those who'll hear. And in her song, all magic flows. But can you brave what you most fear? Can you face what the river knows?
Hey guys, happy 2020 for everyone who is considering it as a happy thing.
I'm a bit lost.
I'm lost in my emotions, I'm lost in this bottle of wine of mine. And I'm not too sure how to get a grip on them in order to control my chaos. Perhaps I should make a trip to Aretuza? Guess who has been binge-watching the whole first season of the Witcher. In case if you've been wondering where the hell I've been the past two months or so.
Other things than the Witcher I've been watching lately: Frozen II, Star Wars: the Rise of the Skywalker, the Joker, Jane the Virgin, true crime documentaries, Don't F***k With Cats and the Circle in Netflix, which in my opinion, is utter shit.

There is no snow on the ground, which means that I'm not able to turn 25 and celebrate getting older. I've got this silly rule that I cannot get older if there isn't any snow. And I love snow, so that's how I'm feeling about getting older. Not that I'd survive that long until to see my 25th birthday, even though I'm really enjoying playing with the fantasy of it.
I'm not sure if I know how to write anymore, even though the fact that I'm able to pull words out of my keyboard at this very moment is the most I've been doing myself in months. It's been an absolute struggle, even though this seems fairly easy.
I'm not sure can I even write anymore. It feels like ages since my fingers have travelled through the keypad of my laptop and I've let the words simply flow. Feels kind of tacky for me, at least at the moment. I'm a mess, and so is my writing.

So there isn't basically anything new under my sun, how did your decade change? Did you have a great time?

✖ oh you, Tinder

Tuesday, 26 November 2019

Yes guys, and gals, it's official.
I've gone and fucking downloaded Tinder on my iPhone.
I never thought I'd get so low in life but after all, I've basically got nothing to lose anymore so I thought "what the hell" and instantly felt my dignity banging its head on a wall for a little while.
I think she might be dead now, haven't heard from her lately.

Don't get me wrong. Tinder is a wonderful place for anyone who's looking for basically anything. I was in a hope to find someone who'd buy my dirty lingerie for kinky purposes and would end up paying all my living costs (haven't found one yet, hit me up if you know someone) and someone who wasn't going to steal my Moomin mugs after we've built a lovely detached house with a white fence and who will most likely end up with the custody of a golden retriever we got together. But it sure as hell isn't for me.

If you're not ready to hear a brutal and honest opinion on Tinder, as raw as it gets, please go on and enjoy your life and read something else. As the shit is going to get real right now.

Tinder is full of superficial and shallow asshats (of course, not everyone), who don't really know what they're looking from there and who will not know what the main reason for swiping right actually is. Perhaps, it's a fun game to play? Perhaps, you'll find an easy hook-up from there? Perhaps, you're looking for someone to talk to and forget who you are for a little while. Perhaps, while you're swiping a person looking like Joe Sugg appears on your screen and says his name is Kevin, and Kevin is not looking for anything serious except a warm and fuzzy companion for cold Autumn nights.

As a software (and since I'm a future developer), Tinder is full of glitches and annoying bugs. Although I never paid anything for the app, perhaps Tinder Gold is much better (it's probably not). The software is slow and the messages aren't really working. You may tap a conversation with Kevin but end up open a conversation with Josh. Imagine how awkward it will be if you hit send before you realise who you're chatting with. Usually, you design an app hooking enough to get people to spend more time in them. On Tinder, it's basically changing other communication details as fast as possible so you won't have to use the actual app for what it's actually made for: communicating with new people near you. It's like the developers want the users to get the fuck out of their app as soon as possible.

The next one is based on fully my own personal experience.
There were actually people of my age, who would've gladly fucked me if I had let them. I still got it, but that's not who I am.
When I downloaded Tinder and set up a profile for myself there, I instantly felt like turning into a piece of meat on sale at the grocery store. I was admired that the number of likes reached 99+ in less than 10 minutes but it made me feel dirty as fuck. I found out that I still got it, felt like the person I've spent the most of my little life has actually been pretty lucky to have me.

I found out, that not only 20-year-old hockey kids and over 40-year-old married men were interested in me. There were actually people of my age, who would've gladly fucked me if I had let them. I still got it, but that's not who I am.

I rather end up meeting interesting people in the line waiting to get in the bar.
I rather end up meeting interesting people whilst waiting for a bus at a bus stop.
I rather end up meeting interesting people anywhere else, than on Tinder.

✖ adapting

Tuesday, 19 November 2019

I've been adapting to new things lately.
Adapting to the fact that the storage I keep my stuff in, and where I sleep in, is basically one 32 square feet refrigerator.

I've been adapting to the loneliness. Sleeping alone, eating alone, only cooking for myself. Even if it's a bag of noodles the most of the days. And when I come home from school or work, there isn't anyone waiting for me.

Oddly, I've gotten used to it.
I used to think my life is over but lately, I've been trying to make some plans for the future. So I'd get something to look forward to.

I'm oddly fine with the fact that I only make two cups of coffee each morning. I'm oddly fine with the fact that I can have the whole bed for myself most of the nights. I've adapted myself in a whole new life situation and by adapting, I'm trying to keep my shit together until all is clear again.

It's more like a coping mechanism.

A coping mechanism for this madness I live in.

✖ three simple words to ask: how are you?

Tuesday, 22 October 2019

I've been skipping uni.
I've been forcing myself to work.
I got high the other day.
Been drinking too much wine.
I haven't been brushing my hair.
I don't know how it smells outside.
I can't remember what my classmates look like.
I don't have a topic for a project for this Autumn for uni.
I don't remember the last time I ate.
I've been losing weight like crazy.
Nicotine and caffeine are keeping one going for a surprisingly long period of times.
I can't remember what running water from a shower feels like.
I don't know where my toothbrush is.
My windows are so filthy I can't see through them.
I haven't been taking new pictures in weeks.
I haven't really been able to sleep.

I've been knitting shit, undone them and started all over again.
I've been getting panic attacks over the nightmares I've had if I have magically fallen asleep.
I've been getting panic attacks every single day during the past three weeks.
I'm anxious as fuck.
Sometimes I think about killing myself.
Then I remember that I have a kid.
I've got flu.
What depression?
What are the clean clothes?
My neighbour is having a loud party at 12:30AM and I don't even give two shits about it.
My face eczema is the worst it's ever been.
I almost lost it at work because there was an ignorant idiot as a customer.
I drink tea now.

But if you ask me how I'm doing, I'll always tell you that everything's alright.

✖ Laila Pullinen - a Sculptor in Vantaa

Monday, 21 October 2019

Artsi, an art gallery located to pretty close to where I live got a new exhibition in and while I had some time to spare I went to check it out. Believe me, I don't know a single thing about sculptures. Or how they're created, but boy they were impressive.

My experiences with sculpturing go way back to the times when I participated in an Arts Club during the Middle School to High School. We moulded something from clay and during the summer we had an intensive week in the forest where we would greate sculptures in the forest out of peat blocks. Such fun times, and great memories to cherish.

In general, the exhibition was such an eye-opening thing to go through. There were placements where the finished work would meet the sketches Pullinen had drawn and you were able to compare them together. It was pretty fun, even though I wasn't allowed to bring my coffee cup to the gallery haha.

Though I got to leave it to the front desk to wait for me, and there it still was.
Unpoisoned, as I'm still not dead. 
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